“The only person who can pull me down is myself, and I’m not going to let myself pull me down anymore.”- C. JoyBell C.
One of the hardest things I’ve had to do is love myself inside and the out. It sounds like such a simple thing, but for someone who’s spent so much time being so self critical it’s a challenge. Especially to learn to love my physical appearance. Today for example was my day off of work and I decided maybe I could try the whole filming a video for YouTube thing that I’ve wanted to do for so long.
I started to film and then when I watched the video I became so self critical. I jumped into everything wrong with my appearance. Ever since I’ve been 8 years old I’ve struggled with loving how I look on the outside. For many years it was just my weight, but then when middle school came around it also turned into my skin and my hair. I was bullied constantly back then about what I looked like.
I’ve been told by people now that I’m pretty, but it doesn’t really register with me because I could name them 10 million flaws right then and there. I can’t tell you all how many times I’ve cried thinking that I was too ugly. Some people might find this funny, but when you were bullied repeatedly everyday growing up over this it does leave a toll on you whether you want it to or not.
As I watched the video today of myself I immediately cried. I just felt so frustrated because I felt like my outside didn’t look how I wanted it to and to be honest I felt ashamed to show my physical appearance to other people. Particularly my hair. Which I’ve always had a love/ hate relationship with.
Instead of talking myself down I hop in my car and go to the beauty salon. I decided enough was enough. That if I hated the way my hair looked so much then I needed to do something about it. Even if I didn’t have the money. So I did.
I got there and met my hairstylist named Dee who was such a sweetheart! She was like “I got you girl.” When I told her my frustrations about my hair. As we talked I told her about some of my other frustrations like being between jobs and being on my own. She then told me how she used to be homeless and how she had a 7 year old boy to take care of.
When she told me that it made my problems look small. In that moment I was grateful it was only me that I had to take care of. I couldn’t imagine having to care for a child as well.
As the appointment went on she gave me more hair advice that also made me thankful and she helped heal my hair. She even curled it for me.
As I walked out though I realized fixing my hair didn’t make me magically love myself more. Just like when I lost the 60 lbs it didn’t work either.
I’ve gone through so many things trying to change myself so I’d like the way I look, but the thing I’m starting to realize is, is it’s alright to want to look your best, nothing wrong with that, but if you’re relying on your physical appearance to make you confident then you are never going to be satisfied. It’s not until you can learn to embrace all your quirks that you have that you will learn to love you and walk confidently.
Yes, it’s still going to be a struggle, but I’m challenging myself from today to start being nicer to myself. Instead of calling myself hateful things. Tell myself positive affirmations. Because when I’m actively putting myself down I’m no better than the bullies that used to bully me. I beg to differ it makes me the hugest bully because it’s my own opinions. For as the great Elenor Roosevelt said “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
It is one of my favorite quotes of all time yet I struggle to take its advice. But no more. I’m going to learn to love myself for even my physical appearance. Yes, it’s going to take time, but all things worth it are. I don’t know if any of you reading this can relate or not, but I just want to tell you if you are going through this you are not alone. And I want to tell you to do what I’m doing and start to love yourself no matter what. It’s a journey but I know we’ll get there!
Speak to you tomorrow,