“The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone.”- T.I. I have been open to people with my ongoing struggle with depression, and how I have tried to commit suicide before. The thing is even though I was unsuccessful with my actual suicide attempt I was successful when I killed me for the first time. Let me explain what I mean by that. When I reached the age of 8 years old I fell into a deep hole. I didn’t feel like my life mattered anymore. I felt like my life didn’t have a purpose anymore. I often looked to others to help me feel this void, but when they didn’t that made me feel unworthy of living.
I remember one time we had this project in school where we drew a picture of when we how we would look when we were old and we were to put what age we would die at. Now that I think of that project it was kind of morbid, but anyways for my age I put 18.
I did many things like that throughout my childhood just to try to see if anyone cared if I died. You could call it looking for attention and also a cry for help. Side note: just to let you all know, no my teacher didn’t do anything either. Just like everyone else.
On my birthday I remember sitting at the kitchen table after telling my mom I didn’t want to celebrate my birthday because I didn’t deserve one. Instead of her celebrating like I secretly wanted her to she did what I said and didn’t. I sat there and I remember telling myself that I would never be happy ever again.
That was the day I killed myself in cold blood. I’m sitting hear now telling you I kept that promise I made as a child for almost a decade. It’s not until now, until I started writing this blog that I’m really battling what I’ve dealt with these last 15 years. Sure, I have made attempts in the past to get past this mindset, but I never dedicated myself to getting past it like I am now.
I’m not going to lie. It is hard. But it’s worth every ounce of fighting for. This probably sounds weird, but I’m fighting for that little girl who felt like she wasn’t worth it. I want to prove to her that life is more than just sadness. That after all she has been through; that she deserves to be truly happy. That she and her dreams matter.
In this blog I’m always being a hundred percent real with you guys and I’m not going to lie when I say I was depressed today. I was at my job and it suddenly felt that feeling I’ve felt so many times before of not feeling like enough. That same horrible feeling I’ve felt since I was a little girl. I just kept making mistakes and I just had this feeling like I just didn’t belong there. After work I walked out to my car and I started bawling.
When I got home I looked at my blog and read such encouraging comments from you guys and also got likes. I felt for the first time in a long time that I had a purpose and that I was right to follow my heart to start this blog. I then had an enlightenment. I realized I felt like I didn’t belong at work.. because… I don’t belong there.
Its ok that I’m not perfect at it because it’s not my calling. It’s just a job that’s going to help me out until I can make a living doing the things I do love. It’s not the thing I wake up for in the mornings.
However every morning I wake up I exercise, I research, I write and it all makes me feel like I’m alive. I still get to do that every single day and that makes me so happy. And I realize that it brings me joy even though I’m not getting paid for it. Because it brings my life purpose. To just be here and express myself while helping all of you reading out there helps make my life feel like it has meaning again.
I’m still figuring out how I’m going to use all of the things I love together, but I know I’m on the edge of something really great. That’s why I think some of my old emotions are coming out is because I’m scared of how much my life is going to change. Yet at the same time I’m so excited!
Today I’m deciding I’m killing me again. But this time it’s going to be the part of me that vows she will never be happy. I’m tonight vowing to all of you reading and to myself that I’m going to put everything into my dreams and I’m going to be happy with my life. I am going to make a life that the old me would have never of imagined. Even with my creative mind haha.
So to all you reading this I hope you all are finding your purpose and happiness as well! And if you don’t know it yet that’s ok I know you will. I am here cheering you on no matter what. We got this!!
Write to you next the day after today,