You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love & affection. ~Buddha
I’ll be honest with you guys when I say that today has literally sucked. I could put the blame on others, but in all honesty the blame falls on my hands. I let the words of other people influence how I felt inside about myself. I’m not new to people having opinions about me. I’ve gotten them all my life. I’ve always been something. I am _______. Feel in the blank I’ve probably been called it at one point in my life.
The thing is I’ve been put down relentlessly throughout my life. But there’s one person stands out as the top bully. The one who has been meaner to me than the others. And I don’t have to think twice to tell you who that person is because the answer is me. I’ve no doubt always been my top critic.
This way of being critical has had me go on many destructive paths throughout my life. Even paths of suicide. And til this day it has always been hard for me to not fall back on that path when someone says something about me. Now I’ve come a long way from where I’ve been, but after today I’ve realized I still have a long way to go. Everything in my head said “Don’t let words of others bother you.” Yet I did. I let their words get inside my head. And I let these words make me feel like I was less than.
I let the opinions of others become the opinion of myself. I’d like to tell you all “oh yeah I walked with my head held up high and I didn’t let a thing bring me down”; however, that would not be the truth. However sitting here reflecting how I gave their words so much power; I now choose to shut them all off.
It’s kind of funny in a way I thought when I lost 60 pounds people would stop being so critical of me. When I was heavy people would constantly call me “chubby” or “if you only lost ‘X’ amount of pounds.” Then as soon as I lost all the weight people were like “Oh no you’re too skinny.” I could say the same about my appearance. I used to wear no makeup, and leave my hair natural as well. When I did this however people said “Oh well you’d look so much better with a little makeup.” Yet when I started wearing makeup people would say “you’d look better without.”
The thing I’m really realizing is that you really can’t please people. Yeah I’ve heard that a million times throughout my life, but I didn’t want to admit that because you know your girl is superwoman and believes she can do anything. But it’s so true. No matter what you do, someone, somewhere will always have an opinion of you.
For example I’ve dyed my hair many, MANY times. Every time I’ve done it I have gotten countless opinions. Some people would be look “But I loved your natural hair.” Yet other people would be totally for it.
The thing is I dyed my hair because I wanted to and I thought that it was cute. And everyones opinions didn’t seem to matter. Because it was just a hair color. I now think back to that and I realize I want that same mindset with all the other things in my life. When people say something negative I want to be able to say to myself “Well that’s their opinion, but I like myself just the way I am.”
Today was a hard day for me; however, I learned what I need to work on. I’ve gotten so much better thinking positively in most circumstances. Yet I put off where I needed to be positive in the most. And that is within myself. Deep inside I know that my life will get together once I fill myself with self love.
I’m sure some of you can relate when I say that I want with all of my heart to truly love myself, but something stops you from completely doing so. I do feel like I love myself to some extent, but I have trouble excepting every part of myself. To truly love yourself you have to accept the parts that are not so pretty. And that’s what I have trouble with. Sure, anyone can love the great things about themselves, yet to accept your mistakes and your flaws is a different story.
From today on I’m going to vow to myself and all of you reading this that from now on I’m going to work my butt off to truly love myself. It’s not going to be easy, but I know that I can do it. And to any of you reading this who can relate. I just want to let you all know that no matter your past, your mistakes, your flaws, you are deserving of love. Especially from yourself, because no person on this Earth can understand or love you like you can yourself. You got this!!!
Much love and talk to you all tomorrow,