“He who cannot forgive breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass.” – George Herbert
They say inspiration finds you when you least expect it, and that’s how I came up with today’s blog topic. I was scrolling through facebook and by accident I clicked on a woman’s profile in the “people you may know” section. As soon as I clicked on it I was brought to her profile page where it showed her in a relationship with my ex. I shared this story on Facebook, but to all of you who aren’t on my Facebook and just read my blog I wanted to talk about this because I feel like it is important.
Just to shed some light on the situation.. I want to go into a little of the backstory of us. This was an ex that was absolutely crazy for. I wanted to marry this guy and spend the rest of my life with him. We were in a relationship for a brief amount of time, but within that time I fell hard. Like REALLY hard.
He met all the requirements I had at the time: he was smart, he was dorky/cute, he was funny, he got along with my family, and most importantly I felt like I connected with him. I felt like I connected with him more than I ever felt like I connected with someone before in my life. It’s like we could do the most boring task on the planet Earth like going to Walmart and it would be fun. I felt like I could be myself with him and not have to pretend.
However because it seemed so ‘perfect’ it made me constantly question it. I hadn’t felt happiness in such a long time I became so frightened I would lose it. I felt like it was ‘too good to be true.’ At that point in my life I wasn’t happy about anything else in my life. I was still really heavy (which shouldn’t matter, but it made me feel insecure), I hated my job (but loved my coworkers..still miss you guys), my home situation wasn’t idea, school seemed like a task I was just doing because I had to. So the only thing I felt joy in was our relationship.
You ever hear about the quote “putting all your eggs in one basket?” Well, that was me. I lived that quote. All I wanted to do was be around him and shut everything else out. As you can probably tell by now this was very unhealthy. It sounds really weird, but I wanted him in my life so much that it started to push him out. I would be very needy and constantly need reassurance from him that he wasn’t going to leave. This behavior became hazardous to both me and him. It became so bad when I felt him getting distant I would be throwing up blood because of my anxiety..no I’m not making this up. I was that bad.
Now looking from an outside perspective I can see why he didn’t want to stay in the relationship. I was very unstable. No one should stay in that. And I feel bad that I put him through that. I know at the time I just didn’t know how else to deal with it and didn’t realize at the time how bad it actually was. I just knew I didn’t want to lose the one thing that made me feel happy for the first time in..I don’t even know when.
With all of this being said he wasn’t actually “perfect” like I made him out to be either. He made quite a few mistakes in our relationship as well. And sometimes I really had a right to be upset. Even after our relationship was over I stayed mad at him for a long time, but then I realized it wasn’t worth my energy to be mad over it all. That’s when I decided to put my energy into other things that would benefit me instead of hurt me.
Now you may be thinking “Amber why the heck are you sharing all this personal stuff?” The answer is I wanted you to understand a little of what I went through and how amazing it is for me to be in the place I am now, and to make the revolution I did today.
Back to present day… As I looked at his new girlfriends profile it took me a moment to process it, but then once I did I realized something…I wasn’t angry or really hurt. I had actually avoided going to his profile afraid I couldn’t take seeing him in another relationship because of how I felt about him. However; when I saw the pictures of them happy it made me feel happy. I was actually glad he had found a good relationship.
What I realized today is that we were both just two people trying to do the best we could with what we had. And yes I’m not proud of that point in my life or other points as well, but if I didn’t go through them then I would never be who I am today or have gotten to do the things I have gotten to do. Throughout life we are going to make mistakes and we are going to get hurt by people that make mistakes. Unfortunately that’s just a part of life.
So what can we do about it? We can find forgiveness. Now forgiveness isn’t easy. I’ll tell you that’s for sure just with things I’ve had to try to forgive others of..but it’s how you heal from it. If you don’t forgive someone or yourself or both in a lot of cases you are not going to be able to move past it. This in no way means forgetting. We absolutely need to remember so we can remember the lessons we learned from it. It just means letting it go without mentally punishing yourself through it over and over again like so many of us tend to do.
I know many of you reading this probably have at least one person in your life who has hurt you, maybe that person is you. I encourage you whoever this person is just try to forgive them. Try to understand that we are all not perfect. There may have been a person who really treated you like absolute shit or someone you care about..and I know it’s so difficult to find it in your heart to forgive them, but forgiving them (even if you don’t care two hoots about them) helps you. So even if it’s not a person you really care for at all just forgive. Don’t let them steal your happiness for your future!
Til tomorrow lovelies,