“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else – means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.”-e. e. Cummings
When I hear the word battlefield I think of the famous song “Love is a Battlefield.” That song holds true, but not just about love. Life in general is a humongous battlefield. We are all soldiers fighting against all the things life throws at us.
Shoot I’m only 23 yet I’ve already dealt with so many battles. The thing is about life we never stop having battles at a certain age we are always battling something. From the time we are born to the very day we die we are fighting some type of battle. Some of these battles are visible, but for many of them we fight to where no one else can see.
I for example have been battling a lot of things that people are unaware of unless I talk to them about it. So many of us are like that too. We keep our battles inside ashamed or feel guilty if we talk to anyone about them. But I’m here to tell you that it’s perfectly okay to talk about them.
Today I want to be really rare with you all and tell you all that I’ve been dealing with extreme depression. Even today I’ve been dealing this very intense depression. And it’s not that my life is bad at all right now. I’m with the love of my life, I have great family/friends, I have a job, I’m getting back into photography, I’m looking to get back into school, etc.
I have all these things going for me right now. Which makes me so incredibly happy. But in the back of my mind I hear someone say “It can all be gone in a second.” And that makes me sad. Because these things bring me so much joy.
The fact of the matter is things and people can vanish out of your life and losing those things does hurt. My problem is I put every ounce of happiness I have in those things, but that isn’t right at all. I know that true happiness comes from me. No person or thing can be that true source. The true source starts inside of you. Loving yourself.
For me that is the biggest battle I face. Just loving myself. It’s funny I love others so easily. People never have to doubt whether I care or not with how much I put my love out there. The ironic part is I can’t seem to show myself that same loving compassion.
It’s like every time I try to a massive block gets in the way and says “Oh no honey! You’re not getting through here.”
The two famous reasons is I feel shame for my past mistakes and that I don’t feel good enough. Those two reasons have kept me stuck for so long. I always say I’m going to change. That I’m going to love myself, but where is that action? I tell you it’s just not there.
The battle I’m very tired of is telling people and myself that I’m going to make that effort and I don’t. I’m tired of wasting my potential because I don’t feel worthy. I’m tired of looking at other woman wishing I was them because I don’t feel pretty enough. I’m tired of pushing people away because I get so damn insecure. I’m tired of hurting those around me because I can’t get past my demons.
Yet I just stand back and just let myself be tired. I let myself go through all that pain. I let myself cause others hurt. Because I don’t put action into my words.
Today writing this blog I’m deciding enough is enough. I preach to you all to love yourself, but I’m a hypocrite at it’s finest. Today I’m deciding that I need to do the stuff to show myself love even if it is hard. Even if I have to force myself to do it. I’m going to do it. But I’m not going to just sit here writing and telling you all about how I’m going to do it, but I’m going to show you all.
Like I mentioned in my other blog post I’m going to take blogging more seriously. So I decided I’m going to continue doing this blog and start one with my photography as well. I’m trying to decide how often I want to post for each blog, but that is in the planning process for right now. I would love to be able to write this one every single day like I used to, but it’d be a lie if I said it wasn’t draining me to come up with something to write about each and every day.
I’m at least going to write for this blog in particular once a week. To all of those who have stayed reading my blogs since the beginning I apologize I wasn’t able to do it every single day. However; by not doing it every single day I didn’t fail. I learned that I needed to give myself more than one day to write about something and that goes back to loving myself and not pushing myself too hard.
But to wrap this all up..I don’t know what you all are battling with today. Maybe you are in a battle like me where it’s hard for you to love yourself. Maybe it’s something way worse. Maybe it’s something little. I don’t know what battles you are all going through. But I want you all to know you are never alone. You may feel like it. You may be going through things no one else understands, but you are never alone.
Until the next time we talk,