“Start by doing what’s necessary, then do what’s possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible.” – Francis of Assisi
Today I wanted to take a chance to write about something pretty hard for me to talk about. I feel like if I talk about it though it will hopefully help one of you out there reading this and hopefully myself in the process. I’ve been open and honest with you all that I have dealt heavily with suicidal thoughts and tendencies. What I haven’t been open with is I still deal with suicidal thoughts.
My life has really turned around. I’ve got down to my idea weight. I eat healthy. I’ve made great friends. I got an amazing boyfriend! I got a job and a roof over my head. I have family who I know is there for me. I have this incredible blog where I’ve grown so much through and of course all of you wonderful readers who follow me on this journey!
Yet with all of there wonderful things I still with many inner demons. I’d lie and say if I don’t still struggle with feeling like everyone would be better off without me or how I could end my life. It’s been something I’ve felt for a very long time. I’ve seen therapists to help me through this and have taken medicine for it. In the back of my mind I thought if I just did one thing it would make all the pain go away.
The matter of it all is that there is no one thing that’s just going to make it all go away. The pain may never go away entirely. What I can do though is use every skill I have learned and apply it to my life. What I can do is bring in people and things in my life that motivate me. What I can do is set goals in my life to make my life feel like it’s worth living. What I can do is to do things for myself to show self love.
Life isn’t perfect and neither are we. At the end of the day we are all just human. And sometimes all we can do is just simply not give up. I can’t tell you how many times in my past I would just sleep to just not have to deal with the pain that was there. Some of the greatest accomplishments I have made is just deciding to get out of bed.
That may seem small to some but I don’t care. It’s big to me because every thing no matter what you do to take a step towards the right path is huge. I want you all to never, ever feel like taking just a little step in the right direction is too small. No- celebrate that! Celebrate you are taking one step closer to getting where you want to go.
Tonight I went on another walk and something just came over me. I just felt love. I felt a since of hope I haven’t felt since I’ve been a child. It was like God was right there telling me that everything is going to be alright. Like he was giving me a hug filled with so much love. In that moment everything seemed so beautiful! I stopped looking at all my problems for a second and just stopped to appreciate and be grateful for everything around me.
I started looking at how beautiful the sky was. How lucky I was to have certain people in my life. It then made my depression fade away. All because I made a decision to go out and walk instead of feeling sorry for myself.
I want to challenge you all if you all battle anything like depression like me or are just going through such a hard time I just dare you to do something. Go do something positive. You may not feel like it or feel like you don’t deserve it even. But I dare you to do it anyway. Get up out of that bed! Do something that will help you. Because you deserve it.
Much love and I’ll talk again tomorrow,