Positively Optimistic Day#-106: Lost and Found

“Your work is to discover your world and then with all your heart give yourself to it.”

-Buddha

Ever wonder what happened to yourself? Like somehow through your life you lost who you really are? I remember as a child I was so sure of myself. I knew who I was. Yet after 23 years of getting to know myself I feel like I need to find who I am again.

Self discovery is one of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with in my life. Yet it’s one of the most rewarding things too. Lately I’ve been really working on that journey. And to be honest I feel like a little toddler who’s just going around having a tantrum because I’m not exactly sure of the answers. It’s like I’m crying for someone to give me the answers. Yet I’m beginning to realize you can’t just wait around for the answers you have to go find them. No one is going to give you the right answers, and you’re not going to find them sitting in your self pity.

That’s why from now on I decide I’m a doer. Enough with excuses and not feeling like doing something. I am honestly the queen of excuses. I could come up with excuses like I breathe. I will say I’m sad or I feel lonely; yet I don’t do anything about them. I’ll say I don’t love myself yet I don’t spend the time getting to know myself.

Now it’s the time in my life to stop making the excuses and just go out and spread my wings. I’m honored to say I’m going to be working for a company I’ve always respected again: Walt Disney. This time I’ve decided I’m going to work really hard at my job and work up in the company.

I also want to work on really doing special things with this blog and stop making excuses about it. Writing is one of my biggest passions and I want to continue getting better at it and growing. All of us as human beings are on this journey of self discovery and self growth in some way or another.

I believe all that I’ve been through recently has set me up for learning way more about myself and I’m really excited about the journey. It may not be easy somedays, but all the best things in life are not easily given they are given with hard work and dedication. Which from now on I am going to give as much as I possibly can. I hope you all will decide to do the same in your own life!

Until next time,

Amber 💝💝💝

Positively Optimistic Day #105- Battlefield

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else – means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.”-e. e. Cummings

When I hear the word battlefield I think of the famous song “Love is a Battlefield.” That song holds true, but not just about love. Life in general is a humongous battlefield. We are all soldiers fighting against all the things life throws at us.

Shoot I’m only 23 yet I’ve already dealt with so many battles. The thing is about life we never stop having battles at a certain age we are always battling something. From the time we are born to the very day we die we are fighting some type of battle. Some of these battles are visible, but for many of them we fight to where no one else can see.

I for example have been battling a lot of things that people are unaware of unless I talk to them about it. So many of us are like that too. We keep our battles inside ashamed or feel guilty if we talk to anyone about them. But I’m here to tell you that it’s perfectly okay  to talk about them.

Today I want to be really rare with you all and tell you all that I’ve been dealing with extreme depression. Even today I’ve been dealing this very intense depression. And it’s not that my life is bad at all right now. I’m with the love of my life, I have great family/friends, I have a job, I’m getting back into photography, I’m looking to get back into school, etc.

I have all these things going for me right now. Which makes me so incredibly happy. But in the back of my mind I hear someone say “It can all be gone in a second.” And that makes me sad. Because these things bring me so much joy.

The fact of the matter is things and people can vanish out of your life and losing those things does hurt. My problem is I put every ounce of happiness I have in those things, but that isn’t right at all. I know that true happiness comes from me. No person or thing can be that true source. The true source starts inside of you. Loving yourself.

For me that is the biggest battle I face. Just loving myself. It’s funny I love others so easily. People never have to doubt whether I care or not with how much I put my love out there. The ironic part is I can’t seem to show myself that same loving compassion.

It’s like every time I try to a massive block gets in the way and says “Oh no honey! You’re not getting through here.”

The two famous reasons is I feel shame for my past mistakes and that I don’t feel good enough. Those two reasons have kept me stuck for so long. I always say I’m going to change. That I’m going to love myself, but where is that action? I tell you it’s just not there.

The battle I’m very tired of is telling people and myself that I’m going to make that effort and I don’t. I’m tired of wasting my potential because I don’t feel worthy. I’m tired of looking at other woman wishing I was them because I don’t feel pretty enough. I’m tired of pushing people away because I get so damn insecure. I’m tired of hurting those around me because I can’t get past my demons.

Yet I just stand back and just let myself be tired. I let myself go through all that pain. I let myself cause others hurt. Because I don’t put action into my words.

Today writing this blog I’m deciding enough is enough. I preach to you all to love yourself, but I’m a hypocrite at it’s finest. Today I’m deciding that I need to do the stuff to show myself love even if it is hard. Even if I have to force myself to do it. I’m going to do it. But I’m not going to just sit here writing and telling you all about how I’m going to do it, but I’m going to show you all.

Like I mentioned in my other blog post I’m going to take blogging more seriously. So I decided I’m going to continue doing this blog and start one with my photography as well. I’m trying to decide how often I want to post for each blog, but that is in the planning process for right now. I would love to be able to write this one every single day like I used to, but it’d be a lie if I said it wasn’t draining me to come up with something to write about each and every day.

I’m at least going to write for this blog in particular once a week. To all of those who have stayed reading my blogs since the beginning I apologize I wasn’t able to do it every single day. However; by not doing it every single day I didn’t fail. I learned that I needed to give myself more than one day to write about something and that goes back to loving myself and not pushing myself too hard.

But to wrap this all up..I don’t know what you all are battling with today. Maybe you are in a battle like me where it’s hard for you to love yourself. Maybe it’s something way worse. Maybe it’s something little. I don’t know what battles you are all going through. But I want you all to know you are never alone. You may feel like it. You may be going through things no one else understands, but you are never alone.

Until the next time we talk,

Amber ❤️❤️❤️

Positively Optimistic Day #104- Letting It Go

“You can live your life angry, bitter, mad at somebody or even guilty, not letting go of your own mistakes, but you won’t receive the good things God has in store.”-Joel Osteen

As you all know I haven’t written in a while and I want to tell you all a little bit why. I’ve been needing some time to just work on me. By myself without putting it out there.

As many of you probably know I’m in an amazing relationship right now. With a person I care so deeply about that no words could describe. I’m so lucky to have found him. I believe with every ounce of me that he’s the love of my life.

The thing is though I discovered once I got into the relationship that I still needed to feel voids in me that I haven’t filled. In the past I tried to fill these voids with a relationship but I decided this time would be different. Because even though he adds so much happiness to my life I know it’s my ultimate job to make myself happy in all areas of my life.

He has been so great to me through this tough time where I’ve felt so empty. I’ve cried with him and some friends about how I feel a hole. I came to realize this hole had to do with my purpose and not letting go of my past failures.It’s no secret that I’m self critical.

It has been a really rough journey internally. I realized that even though I talked so much about loving myself in my other blog posts I wasn’t really loving myself truly. I have all these people that love me and are there for me, but yet I have trouble being there for myself.

I have had a hard time letting happiness into my life. Feeling unworthy. I would keep saying I’ll do something for my life eventually but then I never end up doing it. I decided today I’m over that stage in my life and I’m going to start going after the things that matter to me.

Believe it or not this blog means so much to me but I needed time to realize just how much it truly does mean. I’m sorry it’s been so long guys but I’m going to put so much more into it now. Because this blog does make me happy and now I’m going to make it a priority again.

Thank you all for reading,

Love Amber ❤️❤️❤️

Positively Optimistic Day #103- I Might Be Crazy

“It is easy in the world to live after the world’s opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.”

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

Do it this way. Do it that. Go with what your taught to do. Don’t dare to do anything different…What a bunch of poop!

Most people think that they have to think, act, believe, and live in a certain way. They become so used to societies way of doing everything. It’s almost as if everyone falls into a pattern that they most do everything like those who come before them and if they dare to do something a different way it’s no good.

I’m here to tell you all to screw the idea of having to do things the way everyone else does. All the best people in the world dared to do something different from everyone else.

I feel like this topic fits perfectly for today because today is the 1 year of my cousin Loris death. As I have said so many times she was always her own person. She always did things her own way and didn’t fall into the ‘normal’ way of doing things.

I remember when I was over at her house one day she was listening to Elvis while cooking food. I thought that was the coolest thing because she obviously didn’t grow up in the Elvis generation, but she still listened to him simply because she loved his music. To be honest I see so many people just listen to music because they feel like it’s up to date. Some people even treat good music like it expires after a certain period. Which I can’t even begin to tell you how much that bugs me. Back to what I was saying though many people are like that, yet that didn’t stop Lori from listening to the music she wanted to listen to.

I want to throw a question at you all: Why are you not doing what you want to do? Is it because of others opinions? Is it because of the way you were raised? Is it because you are scared? Is it because it’s never been done before? Is it because you don’t think you have what it takes? I want you all to really think what’s stopping you from doing things your way.

We all fall into this trap that things must be done a certain way, but that theory is total garbage. There is always more than one way of doing things. So why not do it your own way then? Why do you have to be like everyone else on the planet? Guess what that is? Boring. That is so freaking boring!

If you want to dress like it’s the 40s; why not?! There’s no rule that says you have to dress for a certain decade. If you want to get married early on or years later after being together with someone..who cares it’s your relationship. If you want to go back to school after you had all your kids..why can’t you? We tell ourselves we have to do things the way everyone else does, but it’s all lies. I’m telling you all…DARE TO BE DIFFERENT!

Think about what you really want out of life and just do it in your kind of way. There is no instruction manual that says for example “Amber you have to do this certain thing before you can do that.” No. That is total crap. Life is meant to be lived, and by living it that means you are going to do things your way. Yes, you are going to make your own mistakes, but you are also going to make your own wonderful discoveries.

I can see this already in my own life. I stayed in Florida when most people my age would have gone back home. I dared to be different though. Yes, it’s still so scary to me. Some days I still feel like packing up my bags and running back home, but I know that I’m doing this all for a reason, and even in the short amount of time that I’ve done this for I’ve already learned so much. Yet I wouldn’t have learned half the things or gotten to experience many things that I have if I hadn’t chosen a different path from everyone else. So I just want to leave you all with..go your own way and never look back!

Much love and best wishes,

Amber ❤️❤️❤️

Positively Optimistic Day #102- Work, Work, Work,..Work

“Talent without working hard is nothing.”-Cristiano Ronaldo

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could just go through life and get everything we wanted/ needed without lifting a finger? Like you were on a vacation 24/7. You could do anything without having to worry about going to work in the morning.

As much as that sounds lovely I beg to differ there is greatness in work. Especially work that you are passionate for. So many of us tend to think of work as such a horrible thing. We go to work and bust our butts for a job we don’t care about and repeat that vicious cycle everyday.

No wonder we hate the idea of “working” when many times you are doing something completely different then what you want to be doing. We all then complain where our lives are yet we don’t leave a job that we don’t like for one we do.

We then start associating work as a bad thing. When in reality work can be such a good thing. I’ve already learned in my young life how valuable work can really be even with the jobs I can’t stand. They have taught me that things are much more valuable when you have worked hard for them.

For example you may want that new video game that’s coming out but you don’t have the money for it. You then work extra shifts at work to earn more money for it. There’s then a since of pride that you get when you worked hard to earn enough money to buy that product.

Working has also believe it or not really helped shape me. You can learn so much from any job you do. Even at my first job at McDonalds I got so much experience. I got to learn how to do things I’ve never done before like use a register to even making coffee (yes I had never made coffee before this job stop judging me haha). I also got to meet many different kinds of people. Unfortunately I learned through that job that people could be so mean. I remember before the job I was under the impression that all older people were nice. I was soooo wrong! Don’t get me wrong there was many lovely senior citizens, but many times they could be the rudest customers.

Today I challenge you all to view work differently whether that mean to quit your job you hate for one you’d love or to learn to see the value in the one you have now. Either way challenge what you can learn from working and how those things can help you grow over all and teach you things you’ve never learned before. Also take pride in your job because almost every job out there is supposed to be helping someone out there whether you work in a restaurant and your helping others by getting them food or you are the mayor of the town making sure others are kept safe. Our jobs in some shape or form are to help benefit others so also keep that in mind.

Write again tomorrow,

Amber ❤️❤️❤️

Positively Optimistic Day #103- No Clue What I’m Doing

“Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next.”- Gilda Radner

Sometimes I feel like I’m in an AA meeting except it’s about my life…

*Stands up*

“Hello my name is Amber and have no idea what I am doing.”

*Sits back down*

*One person in the back claps*

To tell you the truth that’s kind of the story of my life, and honestly I feel like it’s everyone’s story. We are all just thrown into this life when we are born and have to go through many trials and errors to learn what to do. Just like when we first begin walking.

We look at all the people around us walking so one day we decide as babies “well I want to walk too.” We just decide what we want and go after it. We start attempting to walk even though we don’t have a clue about it.

I feel like this example can be applied to almost anything in our life. At one time everything that you have experienced was new to you. The first time you smelled a flower, the first time you fell, the first time you sent a text message, the first time you talked to someone, the first time you kissed a person etc. The point is we really don’t know an experience until we go through it ourselves. Until we go through something we really don’t have a clue what we are getting into.

Another example is parenthood. You could prepare by reading all of the baby books, take all of the parenting classes, get the greatest advice from people who already have kids (which is all great), but nothing really can prepare you completely for parenthood. Each kid is different and you will be having to parent based on your kids needs and through trial and error.

Lately I’ve been trying new experiences and I’ve been realizing I really don’t know what I’m getting into trying them out. I either find that the experience is not what I had hoped or that it exceeds my expectations. Yes, it sucks when you end up having a sucky experience, but at least when you try you will learn. Like if you try a new food out. You may hate it or you could love it, but if you end up hating it at least you know you don’t like it so you don’t have to ever eat it again. Every experience we have is a new opportunity and can be a learning experience for us if we let it be.

What I want to leave you all with today is to just go out and try new experiences. Be your inner child and discover things for the first time. It’s truly amazing all that you will discover if you just decide to try something new. Don’t worry about not knowing what you’re doing trying new things out. We all have been there with trying anything. But just go take the bull by it’s horns and go learn about it already!

Thank you all for reading!

Until tomorrow,

Amber ❤️❤️❤️

Positively Optimistic Day #102- I Need to Apologize

“People should never apologize for who they are, and they should never hide who they are. Hating yourself is so 2011.”- Ross Mathews

Hey everyone! Today’s blog post is going to start with an apology. I had been so good about posting everyday like I had intended for a very long time. Recently if you all have stayed following me on this journey I had missed 2 days (one was yesterday). I have had some circumstances come in my life that I had to deal with. I just wanted to say I’m sorry for not sticking to what I had originally intended. Believe it or not it can be very challenging trying to write a blog while you have so much going on in your life.

I feel bad about missing those few days, but through writing this blog I have come to terms I’m not perfect and that’s okay. I want to let you all know I am still going to try to write every single day, but since it is a full year I’m doing this for there might be some times when too much is going on and I can’t write. As much as I hate that I think it’s much better than writing a blog post and half- assing it. That’s not fair to anyone.

I just wanted to say this to you all so you will understand if I might miss a day here and there. However; I’m still going to try with all my power to not do that. But if it does happen I’m not going to hate on myself for it.

With all of this being said I wanted to write about something that kind of contradicts what I just said and that is never be sorry for who you are. Which is different than making a mistake and apologizing like I did up above. What you shouldn’t be sorry for is being yourself.

We all have faults. We all have problems. We all have different tastes. We all have different passions. We all see the world differently. We are all unique.

Now I can say all of this without a doubt. I genuinely believe we are all different and we shouldn’t be sorry because of our differences. We should embrace them.

Many times in my past though I would apologize to others for who I was. I’d feel ashamed of the person I was and didn’t want to embrace the things that made me stand out. Now I embrace these things to the fullest. I know darn well I’m not like anyone else and I’m not going to apologize for what makes me, me. And neither should you!

My challenge for all of you today is to go out and not apologize for who you are. No matter how incredibly weird you are. If you love beanie babies share that with the world! Don’t be afraid to stand out from everyone else. That’s what you were born to do. We were all born to go on different paths. So embrace it lovelies..never apologize!

Until tomorrow,

Amber ❤️❤️❤️